TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically known for historical culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from spot. Intended by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Certainly, guaranteed, let's have A different put where American Males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: give everyone a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is comfortable electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he really should end using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the challenge, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a Trump Tower Damascus suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head seen from Area, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local climate control established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Permanently."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely include things like:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where my PTSD can have transform-down services."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You might be welcome."

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